Anxiety Needles
Today hasn’t been a good day.
And (deep breath) that’s ok.
Everything went wrong. Technology wouldn’t tech, twice. I got upset, which meant everything took longer than it needed to, and then my boyfriend got frustrated because I couldn’t really explain why I was so upset and he wanted to help but didn’t know how. Then I just… felt like I was wading through treacle for the rest of the day. Everything took about an hour longer than it needed to and in the end I felt like I achieved a net of about zero.
It got to the point that every time another email pinged across the screen, my heart started hammering and I felt sick. It was like someone had a hand - gently, but definitively - on the base of my neck, near my throat, all afternoon.
I don't get anxiety very often, but today was bad. I suppose this fits in nicely with the last post I put out - I was intending, obviously, for this next post to be about impostor syndrome in my writing, and I will talk about that I think because it all ties in together. I haven’t written anything ‘proper’ for such a long time. I re-read the opening of my novel recently, with one eye on submitting it to a competition and realised it’s incredibly far from ready for anything like that.
But. Today was just… not easy. Not for any particular reason, it just sucked a bit. Tomorrow will be better, and the reason I’m writing this down is so I remember that this is normal. It happens. It doesn’t happen often, but it happens - and it’s ok, now that I know it’s not the end of the world.
I think it’s happening a bit more often lately because of… y’know… “everything”. I suspect I’m not the only one, but that doesn’t make it any easier because instead I just feel like we all need a massive hug.
I’m lucky my boyfriend’s really supportive, given we’re trapped here together. I’m lucky I can text my friends and call my mum and work a little later than my (strictest sense) work hours.
I just hope that everyone I know who’s also having days like that knows they can reach out to me too.