This is about expensive shampoo

It’s also definitively not about shampoo.

What this comes down to is that I fully intended to write a review about some fancy haircare, and I can’t even explain why I wanted to.

I mean, when I write about books I loved, games I enjoyed, I can understand why someone else might want to read that.

After all, I regularly seek out reviews of exactly those kinds of things, and I prefer it when the review comes from someone who likes the same kinds of books or games as me, so I can identify with their opinions.

So - why the hell would anyone give a toss about my opinion of a hair product?

I don’t have any sort of reputation in haircare. There are even days when I (whisper it) don’t brush my hair. I just whack it in a ponytail and have done with it.

This is partly because I, and I cannot stress this enough, hate hair salons. Hate, hate, hate. I’m just bad at certain markers of femininity; I don’t get my nails done, spas give me anxiety, and I’ve had my hair professionally dyed once in my life because it TOOK TOO LONG and I do not have that kind of time to sit in a chair without my glasses on. Also, my mum cuts my hair. So.

In fact, fuck it, I’ll give you an example of my hatred of hair salons:

Last time I went in one, a girl at the desk told me to have a seat and wait. Then she disappeared into the back, and the two women in charge of hair at the front carried on with what they were doing, laughing and joking and having a generally lovely time with the mother and daughter they were doing the hair for. They gossiped, they asked about holidays, they chatted, they blow-dried, they highlighted…

And I sat there for forty-five minutes feeling more and more and more uncomfortable until one of them finally asked me what I was there for. I pointed out I had an appointment (thirty minutes ago) and they had forgotten all about me. They awkwardly apologised, and one of them started to cut my hair. And the entire time, my head kept chanting ‘I should have just left, I should have just left…’

And after all that, my haircut was disappointing.

Yes, some of this is social anxiety, but what I’m saying is that hyper-feminine spaces make me very, very anxious. So I avoid them.

Anyway, that’s why I bought expensive shampoo. Like, £20 a bottle shampoo, with matching conditioner and a fancy hair masque. I spent £60 on these things, which is more than I would ordinarily spend on a fancy haircut, BUT I thought it might be nice to recreate the good parts of having a fancy, spa-like haircare time… but at home, without other people there to ruin it.

It was one of those ‘personalised’ sets, where you do a quiz and explain what you’re hoping for in your products, and they send you a formulation that’s just for you. They even put my name on the bottles. How nice, right?

Except (and I’m sure you could see this coming), it was honestly shit. It smelled nice, I’ll give it that. But in terms of making my hair glossy and voluminous, it failed. In fact, my hair was greasy and heavy when I’d used it, so in the end I made my boyfriend use it instead. That way I could still smell it.

I don’t even know why I was chasing that expensive-shampoo success. Maybe it’s because it would feel like proof that I can ‘girl’. I’d be able to say to friends ‘hey, I got this amazing shampoo…’ and feel like I’m adding to the conversation (not that my friends even really talk about haircare and makeup. All my friends are getting engaged and pregnant at the moment, we have more important life-stage things to discuss). Or maybe it’s because for a long time I was poor and now I’m not, and it feels like an affordable treat I can justify - except, it wasn’t worth it.

My hair feels amazing right now, but that’s because I’ve been using 99p a bottle Cien shampoo and conditioner from Lidl. Which I would recommend, actually. It’s great.

So, I don’t know. I’ve been seething a little bit about this for weeks, so it’s clearly really annoyed me. But I can’t quite figure out why. It’s not about shampoo, it’s about the fact that I wanted to do something nice, just for me, and it wasn’t bloody worth it.

It’s a tiny thing in the grand scheme of 2021. I’ve barely seen my family and friends this year. I went full time at work (and it’s HARD when you’re not used to it). I’ve been living in a constant state of anxiety, as I suspect most people have. So maybe, actually, the shampoo thing is just that final straw.

Yeah, that seems less ridiculous, right? Let’s go with that.